Apr 122014
love you like a big schlong


I don’t get sentimental often. In fact, if I I’ve told you that I love you, I can count all of you on one hand. You also know I’ve fucked WAY more of you than that (and that I love big dick)!

But who better to sum up all of my loves than the break-out star of RuPaul’s Drag Race: Willam Belli, himself! Willam breaks down Selena’s song in ways Selena can only dream about (both the song and the dick she’s currently riding). Here are a few of my favorite lyrics:

no shade, no tea
i’m a size queen looking for 23 (centimeters!)
want your whole enchilada inside of me (whoa, too spicy!)
with no queso please
dick cheese makes me wheeze
and i also like BBC:

Big Black Cock please
if you don’t get down
brothers gather round (c’mere!)
what can [brown] do for you, fuck me boo, hell bring your crew
so fun, let me spit my gum

I, I love you like a big schlong baby
I, I love you like a big schlong baby (oh, it’s gonna hurt!)
I, I love you like a big schlong baby
and i keep makin’ it skeet skeet skeet skeet skeet skeet

(don’t be rounding’ up!)

Apr 112014


Bacterial Vaginosis (BV) is pretty yucky: it is the most common vaginal infection, and can effect over 50% of the female population at any given time, causing a nasty fishy odor and some weird discharge.

It’s not always caused by sex. Not all of the causes are known, but it’s basically an overgrowth of “bad” bacteria in a vagina. I’ve suffered from BV once or twice in my life, and I personally think it has everything to do with what hormones I’m producing at any given time in my cycle. Also, leaving cum and using lubricants in my vagina can cause BV symptoms for me (more goodies for bacteria to eat!).

If you’ve had BV and treated it via standard US medicine protocols, you know it can cause a vicious cycle: the antibiotics given to treat BV kill all the bacteria in your vagina (including the “good” ones), leading to a yeast infection. Then, when you treat the yeast infection, the BV returns. And repeat.

The CDC suggests the  following basic prevention steps to lower your risk of developing BV:

  • Not having sex;
  • Limiting your number of sex partners

To which I say: NOT FUCKING LIKELY! This is not a workable solution, so there must be another way!

Many of the home remedies to treat BV involve probiotics, and include putting yogurt and whole capsules of Acidophilus in your vagina. I’ve tried these solutions, and I don’t recommend the yogurt. The whole Acidophilus capsules also don’t dissolve in a vagina well, and can still be there a day or two later. Not good. So I recommend the following:

  • Buy Acidophlus/probiotic tablets with the least amount of fillers and additives that you can find
  • Crush a tablet up into powder
  • Dampen your fingertip to get a good coating of probiotic powder on it
  • Stick that finger in your pussy and work it around, Girl!
  • Repeat as necessary

The best part of this method is that it doesn’t inhibit your sexual activities. In fact, getting dick will just help to work that probiotic around into places that you can’t reach with a finger. Once it’s up in there. sleep on it, and your fishy odor should improve by morning. Wash your vagina and repeat as necessary (wash with water, not douche). This method also works with minor yeast infections. However, if you aren’t getting the results you need, please see a doctor! Pussies are important, and should be treated as a health priority. Good luck!

Apr 092014


Isn’t it cute? All pink and perky!

Demi is also cute, but is here to give us a lesson in regrettable tattoos. The one on her rib cage should read “You make me beautiful”, but I’ll I’m getting is “chainsaw blade chopping off bird wings”. There also appears to be some birds on her arm, trying to get away from the chainsaw blade.  If Demi’s tattoos have taught me anything, it’s that if you can’t identify what a tattoo is in a mirror a couple of feet away while taking a selfie of your boobs, then you probably shouldn’t get it. Girls, please test this out at home before getting your ink done! A little bit of foresight will definitely elevate your nude selfie game!

Jan 222014
Ron Jeremy on a Wrecking Ball

 Miley Cyrus needs to step back and take notes while a deeply seasoned ho owns her song and video in ways she never could.

The raw sexiness! The palpable emotion! The tangible vulnerability! The little white panties hiding the national treasure within! 

 Ron Jeremy needs to start working on his visual album, ASAP. Beyonce, who?

Dec 182013

Beyonce Ass 1


We should all bow down now that Beyonce has deigned to serve us a healthy helping of her (toned, tightened, and slightly CGI’ed) ass. Despite all of the delays in her album, Beyonce must have realized that 2013 was the Year of the Ass, and like all things Bey, she had to take what everyone else had done and make it her own, striking while the iron (ass) is hot.

So while the critics and Bey-lovers are going on about how this self-titled album is her best to date, I’ll go out on a limb and tell you that while the visuals are hot, the music is mostly mediocre. The best song on the visual album is “Yonce”, which is only 2 minutes long and unfortunately hasn’t made it to the audio version so far (just video).

But still, a nice ass should be appreciated, so enjoy!

beyonce ass 2

Dec 162013

dylansprouse1 dylansprouse2

Shown here pulling a page from the “how to transition from Disney child star to adult actor” playbook, Dylan Sprouse is giving us some side cock and scrotum cupping realness, just like his publicist told him. Slutty, yet not nonredeemable. Twinky, yet still sort of wholesome for the teenage girl fan base. I guess if I were 16 I might hit it. These days it more like “show me your erect cock and I’ll think about it”.

Aug 292013


The term slut can be defined as

“a person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you.”

The term is reclaimed from its usual use as a pejorative and as a simple label for a promiscuous person. Instead, it is used to signify a person who is accepting of their enjoyment of sex and the pleasure of intimacy with others

Aug 012013

For all of the ladies who have been complaining for the last 30+ years about how the USA is obsessed with boobs, this is your year! Put those itty bitty titties away and whip out that donk, because in 2013, it’s officially all about the ass. It don’t matter if your butt is little or big, tight or jiggly; if there’s any shape at all to it, we want to see it and obsess over it.

Fist off, we have Major Lazer giving us ass in a range of pudding consistencies, from smooth and creamy to rich and chunky.  With a side of hose-in-valley-girl-anus:

Major Lazer – Bubble Butt (feat. Bruno Mars, 2 Chainz, Tyga & Mystic) – Directed by Eric Wareheim


And then there’s Flo Rida, who clearly wanted giant donks, but didn’t want to deal with the chunky factor, so he just CGI’ed the hell out of them:

Flo Rida – Can't Believe It ft. Pitbull [Official Music Video]


I could go on, but there’s only so many ass shots that one person can take at any given time. Although overall, I think we’re making progress. A nation of consumerism and excess can’t just be known for one body part. We are now showing the world that we can obsess over any and all overblown, plasticized body parts.

Jun 202013

There’s usually a discrepancy between how a person sounds and the way they look.

Iggy Azalea takes that to the extreme, in only the best way possible:

Iggy Azalea – Pu$$y (BEST HD) (LYRICS)


I may be a little late to the fan club, but I think I’m in love.

Iggy Azalea – Bounce


Oh, and miss Miley Cyrus: Iggy wore that sheer swimsuit with the palm tree nipple covers that you rock in your “We Can’t Stop” video first, and better, I might add:

Iggy Azalea – Work (Explicit)


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